Compatibility in a Unique Relationship

“Follow that will and that way which experience confirms to be your own.”
-Carl Gustav Jung

What does it mean to be compatible in terms of the therapeutic relationship?  Most people understand compatibility in terms of relationships we have in our daily lives – a friend who we enjoy spending time with, talking with, doing activities together or a partner who we trust and love or perhaps a co-worker with whom we are working steadily on a project without conflict.  To understand compatibility with a therapist we must first define the nature of the therapist-client relationship.

What is this relationship?  You are meeting with this person every week alone and talking about very personal thoughts and sharing your emotional life.  Your therapist is likely to be friendly.  Is this a friendship?  You may sometimes recognize a quality in the therapist that reminds you of another relationship in your life – the therapist says things that are like your mother said.  Is she a parent?  Or, you may feel very fond of your therapist or even attracted to your therapist.  Does this mean that your therapist is a potential dating partner?

The answer to all these questions is no.  The therapeutic relationship is unique in that it is a one sided type of relationship.  The client is expected to open up about his or her life and the therapist does not open up in order to focus on the client.  There may be exceptions to this rule when the therapist feels it is important to self-disclose because it would be therapeutic to do so.  But, as a rule, the disclosures are by the client.  It is a relationship based upon the trust built from the promise of confidentiality by the therapist and steadily earned by therapist as his or her actions prove to be trustworthy.  It is a relationship that is limited to the place that therapy occurs – the therapy room.  Any relationship that occurs outside of the treatment room is considered to be a dual relationship and can be harmful to the client-therapist relationship.  In other words, if you ask you therapist to come to your show and you are angry that they didn’t come it will affect the therapeutic relationship.  In fact, such relationships are considered to be unethical.   The client-therapist relationship may, at times, mimic other relationships in the client’s life as in the earlier example of the therapist reminding the client of their mother.  The term for this occurrence is transference and it is an important aspect of therapy.

To summarize, your therapist is a professional with a strict code of ethics that supports the relationship with a client.  She (or he) is not a potential friend, a substitute parent, or a mate, although there may be times when you recognize her as one of these people.  Knowing this then what qualities make for compatibility in your search for a therapist?  Think of what makes your relationship with other professionals (i.e. your doctor, your trainer) successful in your life.  Or, if you are unhappy with a professional relationship that you have, ask yourself why.  What is the therapist’s philosophy or what they may call orientation?  Do they work in a style that focus on childhood experiences such as psychodynamic or analytical or do they use a present oriented approach such as solution focused?  What style suits your needs and goals for therapy?  Is your potential therapist available for a phone conversation and is she open to answering your questions before you commit to therapy?  Does visiting their website give you a sense of their work?  Once you have met with the therapist, be sure to monitor your reactions. How did you feel during and after the experience?  Did you feel comfortable, were you heard and did you feel hopeful when you left their office?   Did your therapist leave you with something to think about?  If you were unsure about how you felt sometimes a second visit will strengthen your sense of compatibility.

Ultimately, you are the person in charge of your treatment and are the best person to determine if the therapist is right, or compatible, with you.  You also have a responsibility to voice your goals for treatment to the therapist.  Should you determine that your therapist is not right for you, be up front about letting your therapist know why it isn’t working.  A professional is able to listen to this feedback and will honor your decision.

Embarking on working with a therapist is a courageous step.  I wish you a good journey and compatibility as you begin.

Judith Rinda Crane, MA, MFT is a Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in Los Angeles, California. Her treatment approach is to empower each person through identifying their strengths and experiencing the therapeutic relationship to explore what is preventing them from achieving their potential in life. To learn more about Judith’s work and if she may be a compatible therapist for you please visit her website www.westlosangelestherapy.com or contact her at 310-205-8483 or through e-mail at judith@craneandcompany.com.