Compatibility is a wonderful thing.  My American Heritage Dictionary refers to it as “harmony,” which itself is defined as “a pleasing combination of parts or elements.”  I was happy to find these definitions, because I sometimes worry that both therapists and clients think they have to find someone as similar to themselves as possible in order to establish a good working relationship. Actually, harmony could not exist without the blending of differences in order to create itself.  I think this is a concept the whole world needs to remember right now, and therapists are in a unique position to be the standard.

As therapists, we are trained in developing the ability to discover the “common ground” of compatibility on which to establish our therapeutic alliance with our clients.  Each client literally brings a whole new world into our offices, formed by their unique perceptions, experiences, and patterns.  Continually expanding our own subjective experience of “being” in order to understand and work with this amazing diversity is what keeps our work as clinicians alive with curiosity and wonder.  It is what prevents burn-out.   Further, we as therapists, each in our own way, light the path towards creating harmony for all whose lives we touch.

Therefore, I choose not to have a particular niche, or specialty that I  focus on, although I’m aware that “marketing experts” encourage specialization.  Unless I can see that a client would be best served by a therapist who does specialize, I welcome them all.  I cherish the uniqueness that each client brings to my office, and the harmonizing skills I develop through working with them!  Building a bridge from my world to theirs enriches my life, and is profoundly healing for us both.  Every bridge of harmony, however small, is an important contribution to the human family now living on the planet we call home.  So no matter who you are, I am your sister.  It’s my job to learn to understand you.  I embrace it, and offer you my hand.

Judith Dagley Flaherty, LMFT, has been harmonizing in private practice in Los Angeles.for over fifteen years.  She also presents workshops on creating positive change throughout the L.A. area.  To learn more about her work, visit www.judithdagleyflahertylmft.com. She can be reached at 310.397.5116 or judithdagley@aol.com

What does it mean to be compatible in terms of the therapeutic relationship?  Most people understand compatibility in terms of relationships we have in our daily lives – a friend who we enjoy spending time with, talking with, doing activities together or a partner who we trust and love or perhaps a co-worker with whom we are working steadily on a project without conflict.  To understand compatibility with a therapist we must first define the nature of the therapist-client relationship.

What is this relationship?  You are meeting with this person every week alone and talking about very personal thoughts and sharing your emotional life.  Your therapist is likely to be friendly.  Is this a friendship?  You may sometimes recognize a quality in the therapist that reminds you of another relationship in your life – the therapist says things that are like your mother said.  Is she a parent?  Or, you may feel very fond of your therapist or even attracted to your therapist.  Does this mean that your therapist is a potential dating partner?

The answer to all these questions is no.  The therapeutic relationship is unique in that it is a one sided type of relationship.  The client is expected to open up about his or her life and the therapist does not open up in order to focus on the client.  There may be exceptions to this rule when the therapist feels it is important to self-disclose because it would be therapeutic to do so.  But, as a rule, the disclosures are by the client.  It is a relationship based upon the trust built from the promise of confidentiality by the therapist and steadily earned by therapist as his or her actions prove to be trustworthy.  It is a relationship that is limited to the place that therapy occurs – the therapy room.  Any relationship that occurs outside of the treatment room is considered to be a dual relationship and can be harmful to the client-therapist relationship.  In other words, if you ask you therapist to come to your show and you are angry that they didn’t come it will affect the therapeutic relationship.  In fact, such relationships are considered to be unethical.   The client-therapist relationship may, at times, mimic other relationships in the client’s life as in the earlier example of the therapist reminding the client of their mother.  The term for this occurrence is transference and it is an important aspect of therapy.

To summarize, your therapist is a professional with a strict code of ethics that supports the relationship with a client.  She (or he) is not a potential friend, a substitute parent, or a mate, although there may be times when you recognize her as one of these people.  Knowing this then what qualities make for compatibility in your search for a therapist?  Think of what makes your relationship with other professionals (i.e. your doctor, your trainer) successful in your life.  Or, if you are unhappy with a professional relationship that you have, ask yourself why.  What is the therapist’s philosophy or what they may call orientation?  Do they work in a style that focus on childhood experiences such as psychodynamic or analytical or do they use a present oriented approach such as solution focused?  What style suits your needs and goals for therapy?  Is your potential therapist available for a phone conversation and is she open to answering your questions before you commit to therapy?  Does visiting their website give you a sense of their work?  Once you have met with the therapist, be sure to monitor your reactions. How did you feel during and after the experience?  Did you feel comfortable, were you heard and did you feel hopeful when you left their office?   Did your therapist leave you with something to think about?  If you were unsure about how you felt sometimes a second visit will strengthen your sense of compatibility.

Ultimately, you are the person in charge of your treatment and are the best person to determine if the therapist is right, or compatible, with you.  You also have a responsibility to voice your goals for treatment to the therapist.  Should you determine that your therapist is not right for you, be up front about letting your therapist know why it isn’t working.  A professional is able to listen to this feedback and will honor your decision.

Embarking on working with a therapist is a courageous step.  I wish you a good journey and compatibility as you begin.

Judith Rinda Crane, MA, MFT is a Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in Los Angeles, California. Her treatment approach is to empower each person through identifying their strengths and experiencing the therapeutic relationship to explore what is preventing them from achieving their potential in life. To learn more about Judith’s work and if she may be a compatible therapist for you please visit her website www.westlosangelestherapy.com or contact her at 310-205-8483 or through e-mail at judith@craneandcompany.com.

Let’s think about this in terms of the numbers – by far the most influential decider as to whether or not you’ll find therapy helpful is down to you. Do you want to go? Are you committed to change? Are you there because it’s what you want or is someone forcing you to go? A whopping 40% of a successful encounter with a therapist is down to you, the client, and is completely beyond the ability of the therapist to influence. It doesn’t matter how many brilliant, sparkling observations I make or how oozingly empathic I am, all of that will count for nothing if you profoundly don’t want to be there.

The second most important factor in a successful therapeutic encounter is down to the relationship that develops between you and your therapist. My first ever therapist, Dr Sara Dryburgh puts it this way: “Therapy is fundamentally about a relationship with the therapist. Qualifications, training, theoretical knowledge and mastery of specific techniques are of course essential, but not sufficient in themselves. The essential thing which makes therapy effective is the quality of the relationship that you form with the therapist”. She and I worked together for three years, she wrote me a reference when I was applying for post graduate training and we remain in contact on a professional level. We had the chemistry. I got what I desperately needed out of therapy.

As it happens I’ve also had the experience of profoundly not getting on with a therapist. I felt I was boring to her, I shrank away from her when we were in the room together, I didn’t like her much and frankly, the feeling felt mutual. When about 4 sessions into the work she raised her voice to contradict me, I knew it was time to go.

I wish someone had told me then what I’m telling you know – If you don’t like your therapist after the first meeting, look for another one. End of story. I can’t stress enough how important this is, imagine opening up and revealing the most secret things about yourself, remember how you felt the last time you had a good cry, think about coming face to face with the things that really matter to you. Now think about doing all of that in front of someone you don’t really like. See what I mean?

So shop around, be fussy, think about whether or not you’d like to see a male or female therapist, take a bit of time to reflect on the type of therapy that might suit you best. Therapy is a major commitment in terms of time and emotional energy. You owe it to yourself to pick someone who you feel can accompany you on that adventure. This isn’t an excuse to quit when the going gets tough, it’s more than likely that it will. And it’s more than likely that at some points you’ll outright detest coming to therapy because it’s hard work dealing with old ways of relating to the world that are no longer serving you. Your therapist isn’t your friend; he or she won’t let you get away with changing the subject when things get hard. But she will stay with you, she’ll accompany you to those dark places and help you to illuminate them, she’ll show you how to chase away the shadows, and the ability to do those things with loving care comes from a solid bedrock of trust between you both.

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My name is Tamarisk and my practice website is www.twochairscounselling.co.uk. I am a London based psychotherapist who uses an existential approach in my work with clients, I am bound by the BACP’s (British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy) ethical code as a member of the organisation. I also blog over at www.twochairscounselling.blogspot.com.

At some point in their training, most therapists begin to sense the importance of naturally occurring compatibility or rapport with clients. It’s no secret that some clients and therapists get along more easily than others. Some naturally fit together; they seem to be spontaneously compatible. It is true that therapists can learn to artificially create rapport with some clients. But naturally occurring compatibility and rapport is effortless.

Rapport is a kind of harmony; it is evidence of compatibility. A client and therapist in rapport are on the same wavelength. They are in agreement, almost of one mind. When rapport occurs the therapist and the client experience mutual understanding, they are in accord or in tune with one another.  Through such compatibility, a therapeutic alliance is more likely to emerge, bringing the possibility of deep influence.

According to the great Carl Rogers, PhD., founder of Person Centered Counseling, compatibility is absolutely necessary to create a climate for therapeutic change. He taught generations of therapists that a good relationship always includes rapport or trust between the therapist and the client.  Rogers claimed that a client in rapport with a therapist will feel safe enough to explore deeper feelings and even uncover hidden aspects within.  More recently, a study by Bruce Wampold, University of Wisconsin, in 2001 reported that the therapeutic alliance, i.e., rapport, is a key factor in psychotherapy.

In essence, when two people are in rapport, they are much more likely to trust one another and express greater emotional transparency.  And since constructive change is the hallmark of an effective therapeutic alliance, rapport is imperative. Rapport increases the likelihood that the client will become more self-accepting and express greater self-esteem and mental and emotional flexibility. Without rapport, without trust, without compatibility, therapeutic movement cannot occur.

I’ve been teaching clinicians how to resolve unnecessary human suffering for more than 25 years. And although I provide therapists with useful tools and attitudes that lead to measurable change in counseling and psychotherapy, I always point out that nothing is more important than therapist/client compatibility. In fact, I commonly start my classes by saying, “No rapport, no therapy.”

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Dr. Robert Dee McDonald, co-founder of MyTherapistMatch.com, has taught clinical skills to therapists for the past 25 years in 18 countries throughout the world. He is the Director of the Mental and Spiritual Wellness Programs at the Center for New Medicine, Irvine, California.  He is also a co-founder of The Telos Healing Center, Yorba Linda, California as well as the creator of The Destination® Method, itself. He co-wrote two books, the best-selling NLP: The New Technology of Achievement and Tools of the Spirit: Pathways to the Realization of Universal Innocence. He is a state licensed provider of Continuing Education Units for licensed therapists in California, Louisiana and Texas.

Dr. McDonald can be reached at 714-577-5717, Robert@TelosCenter.com and www.TelosCenter.com

Your therapist will probably become the person with whom you will share your most intimate thoughts and feelings. Perhaps even more than with your spouse, children or friends. Your relationship with your therapist should become a blueprint for your present and future relationships. It will be the place where you feel safe to be yourself, to feel seen, heard, understood, and accepted non-judgmentally.

The most important aspect of therapy is empathy. If you do not feel empathy from your therapist, no technique, theory or intervention will be effective. Empathy is both a mental and physiological event. We are hard-wired through mirror neurons in the brain to respond positively when we share an empathic moment in psychotherapy. Pay attention to how you feel in your body in any relationship, especially the therapeutic relationship. It will tell you whether you are in the right place or not. Most important you should feel comfortable in the presence of your therapist or therapist-to-be.

Ask yourself what are your needs and expectations about therapy? For example, do you want to be listened to, or do you want a more interactive relationship with your therapist? Do you want to solve a current problem or are you interested in doing deep work to restructure your personality? Are you in it for the long term or do you want short term results?

You could spend countless time and money interviewing many therapists based on location or fee, and even waste time in therapy with the wrong therapist. Why not put as much care into finding a therapist as you would a romantic relationship? Remember, the therapy relationship may be the most important relationship in your life.

Dr. Rand can be reached at 310-937-0053, dr.m.rand@verizon.net, www.drrandbodymindtherapy.com

Lisa: (in response to Craig’s comment about his therapist) What’s good for you wouldn’t necessarily be good for me.

Craig: This is true – its about chemistry.

Lisa: Its very personal.

Craig: That’s why its therapy – you tell them very private things.

Lisa: Oh, are you supposed to do that?

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Anyhow – its a pretty good interview and I thought you’d like it.